Existentialism is a Luxury

I have this theory that existentialism is a luxury afforded by a comfortable life. I believe that for most people, in order to deeply consider why they live, the living must come so naturally, so subconsciously that the conscious mind can focus on something deeper than simply being alive. Putting food on the table tomorrow. Paying rent. At least for me, I've found that once I started considering the need to afford my own place, cook my own meals and start my own family, I forgot about the overarching purposes I used to meditate on. That luxury disappeared; I couldn't think about why I live anymore, only how I would keep living. Survival instinct kicks into gear, and "purpose", "meaning" etc. secede.

It's been so long since I've even considered whether there was any meaning to living. Back in high school, thoughts of meaning and purpose would flood my mind. I did lots of journaling until I decided on computer science and monetizing my hobbies even if that means I'm poor, and haven't really looked back since. Truthfully, I think once I decided on something, my battle changed from being with myself to being with survival. I've chosen my path and my weapons, and now I have to fight until I made it. My battles shifting meant I'd stopped considering whether I was spending time on the right things or if I had any moral responsibility to bear for being alive and part of the human race, and because I was thinking less about purpose I'd convinced myself I'd found it. But I don't think that's the case.

It's funny how things work like that. I'm sure many other people fall into the same trap I have. They stop considering why they follow the routines they follow, their wants, desires and needs, and do what society tells them they need to do. That's how everybody falls into the trap of capitalism and meritocracy. Do I really need a 2 car garage, 4 bedroom home and picketed fence? Do I even need kids? Do I need to travel, or is it just a form of escape?

Looking back at my entries this year, I haven't journaled about existentialism or a grand purpose once. It used to be all I journaled about. Now, is that a sign of progress?

I don't think it is.

Then again, this is literally what Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs describes isn't it. Before, I lived under the comfort of my parents and desired self-actualization. Now, the future is less certain and I just pray to fulfill my physiological needs. I've moved down the hierarchy, and that's why I've stopped journaling about purpose. Not because I've found it.

Jedidiah Jenkins asks several times in To Shake the Sleeping Self whether there's any kind of moral responsibility that comes with being apart of the dominant culture that shapes the world. Whether being privileged means we owe anything to the people that aren't. I feel ignorant--chasing a lifestyle where my passions (playing piano, volleyball, making games) can fuel my life. That is a privileged ass dream. There's money to be made in these things, but only because there's people that put food in grocery stores and build homes we can live in. Somebody has to be the butt end of society, and it's only because there's enough of these people that the Entertainment Industry can exist and singers and athletes can make thousands of dollars. For so many people, this isn't even a choice. They are content because their physiological needs demand their entire consciousness so much that they've stopped thinking about "their purpose in the universe" or other things.

There's this comedy skit I saw once about atheism and white privilege. It basically goes like this, "Most atheists are rich successful white dudes because atheism is basically the highest form of privilege. Religion asks, 'hey, can we interest you in an afterlife?' and they go 'nah. My life here's pretty good. What more could I want?'"

Jed's mom is shaken by the resolve of the catholic people during their Easter march in Ecuador. She writes in an email that they have so little, and yet they give so much. But really, that might be exactly why.

I'm not saying that debating whether there's a purpose or god or anything like that is "bad" because it might signal some kind of privilege. There's a lot of people that focus on these things even though they have little--and they pay the price for it willingly. I just can't help but think that most people in the world are blinded by their needs for what's directly in front of them that they've created this rhythm we can't escape called society. And that because so many people can't afford to step back and consider their way of living, we fuel capitalism, meritocracy, waste and mental health decline. If there's some kind of moral responsibility we hold, it's definitely related to this.

I'm just saying--Weston's $300 experiment probably wouldn't have worked as well if he were a brown Columbian traveling north.

08.29.24

Book referenced: To Shake The Sleeping Self — Jedidiah Jenkins